What Can I Say?
by Starisia the Shadow Demon
Summary: Even as I pour myself into my music thoughts of him, memories of the past four years we've spent together still haunt me, turning what I intend to be a joyous melody into a melancholy song that wraps my heart in sorrow. One Shot for Yullen Week 2011!


**A/N: And Yullen week entry number...*Sweat drop* I've lost count... ne, it was bound to happen eventually, right? Well, anyway~This is loosely based on the song 'What Can I Say' by Carrie Underwood which is the reason for the title. I don't think it really fits but i guess I can always change it later.**

**Theme: Pride/Honor**

**Beta Reader: Kirkland ^_^**

**Disclaimer:... I'm too giddy to come up with anything cleaver so; Me no own :P**

**S2~S2~(Allen)~S2~S2**

I watch him go, my heart clenching painfully in my chest. The rain beats down, each drop feeling like needles on my skin, plastering my snow colored locks to my forehead and hiding my tears as he drives away. I can feel the harsh chill and I know that if I stay out here in this sheeting rain much longer I'll risk getting hypothermia, but I can't bring myself to care.

The fight echoes in my head, the cruel words spilling from both our lips like bitter venom, seeping into our veins and tainting our hearts more than they already were.

All I can think of is what we'd said, how we'd sounded. I'd feared that this day would come, feared that one of these days one of us would have enough and storm off in the heat of the fight, feared that one day the fights would be the only thing that held any passion.

I don't know what happened, how we got to this point, how we went from loving nights spent in the security of each other's arms to the harsh words as sharp as daggers that seemed to stab at my heart more and more with each heated battle.

At first they'd been small, over in just a few minutes when we'd share a passion filled kiss and sink to the silken sheets, giving ourselves over to the others touch but soon, all too soon they'd escalated, becoming a war of words that could last for hours until one of us got tired and surrendered or got too angry to continue and retreated to the privacy of the bedroom, but this-this is the first time one of us has ever actually _left_.

And that tells me more than I thought such a seemingly small action ever could.

Part of me wants to call out for him, wants him to return and pull me tight to his chest like he used to, but I refuse to go after him. I clench my hands into fists as I bite at my lip, the taste of my own blood dancing on my tongue like copper and foil, and turn toward my door, my body moving of its own accord.

No sooner than the door is closed and locked behind me than I lean back against it before sliding down and sitting on the ground, silver eyes staring blankly at the ceiling, wondering if I was right, if he'd left because my words were true.

My mind's made up.

I still have my pride. I won't beg for him to return.

I just won't sink so low.

**S2~S2~(Kanda)~S2~S2**

I snarl as I reach my apartment slamming the fucking door behind me and all but throwing my keys onto the table.

Anger flows through my veins like molten iron and it's all I can do to only punch the wall instead of something more… breakable. I don't hold back my strength and I feel a small twinge of satisfaction as a dent is left behind where my fist connected but it does little to calm my anger.

I can barely think through the fury that rushes through me. I growl and take a deep breath trying to calm myself down and think things through, the fight, whatever the hell led up to it-I can't even fucking remember that and it pisses me off even more-and that fucking kicked puppy look the Moyashi had as I drove off.

I try my best to vanish that thought, but no matter how hard I try I can't forget the look on the Moyashi's face. I could see him watching me in the rearview mirror, not seeming to care in the slightest that he was being soaked through-the fucking brat knew he had a week immune system from that damn anemia. I knew he was crying, I could tell by the look in his silver eyes even though the rain made it impossible to see his tears. Another growl rumbles in my throat as something makes my heart clench almost painfully in my chest.

No way, no way in hell is that feeling what I think it is there's just no way.

There is no fucking way in hell I'm actually feeling _that_.

I punch the wall again, wincing in slight pain as the impact creates a larger dent than before and tears the skin, a small amount of my blood being left behind on the white surface.

I don't feel guilty. I won't go to him and end it-I won't admit defeat to this pitiful emotion.

I'm not weak. I'm not about to sink that low.

**S2~S2~(Allen)~S2~S2**

Time passes slowly, too slowly for my liking. I'm hyper aware of the days that pass, slowly becoming weeks, until the fall showers give way to the harsh snowfall of winter and I still hear no word from Yuu.

I don't know what to think anymore.

Even when we were in high school, even when we fought with every breath we took and avoided each other like the plague we've never gone this long without talking.

I'm starting to wonder what to tell the people who hit on me, whether I'm supposed to continue telling them I have a boyfriend or tell them that I'm simply not interested.

Classes are hectic as Christmas draws near and term comes to a close and that keeps my mind off of that night, at least or a little while, but courses have to end sometime and then there's little to keep me distracted from the thoughts of my raven haired lover.

Even as I pour myself into my music thoughts of him, memories of the past four years we've spent together still haunt me, turning what I intend to be a joyous melody into a melancholy song that wraps my heart in sorrow.

I recall so many times spent together but what stands out most is the memory of how we got together to begin with.

How Lavi had tricked us both into going to that Christmas Eve party at his place senior year, only to lock us both in one of the spare bedrooms-after taking Kanda's Mugen of course.

We'd started out practically screaming at each other throwing insults, not caring in the slightest how we sounded to those outside-and I'm fairly certain that we sounded about ready to murder one another, but the next thing I knew he had me pinned against the wall. I never could figure out who made the first move, whether he was the one who closed that distance between us in that first passionate kiss or if it was me, but in all honesty I didn't really care, it still resulted in us becoming lovers.

That was the first night spent in each other's embrace.

How? That question is what echoes in my mind, how did it go from that to this? How did we lose sight of the passion we once shared?

Even back then there'd been a heated passion in our battle of words, that's what had alerted Lavi to our feelings for each other even if we didn't see it ourselves.

How did everything fall apart?

**S2~S2~(Kanda)~S2~S2**

I go on as usual, going to classes, avoiding that god forsaken Usagi whenever on campus, and going to work as though nothing had ever happened.

I don't give any indication as to what happened between us and I avoid thinking about it as much as possible, not wanting to remember the look in his silvery eyes as I turned my back on him and left.

I don't know why I stormed off, hell; I don't even know what that stupid fight was about anymore!

Damn, it pisses me off to no end.

What the fuck was so god damned important that it'd gotten so out of control that I'd actually _left_-something neither of us had _ever_ done, no matter how bad things got.

If I'm being honest with myself-and I know that I'm not-I'd have to say I missed the annoying sprout, and not just recently. I've been missing my Moyashi-my _Allen_ for a very long time. I don't know what happened, how he and I grew apart in such a short time.

We'd been so close, so content in each other's arms up until the accident happened, when his father had died and he'd been scarred. I'd been with him the entire time in the hospital, threatening to kill anyone who dared tell me I had to leave his side for so much as a minute.

I'd almost lost my most precious possession and they expected me to leave it in their care without supervision?

No fucking way in hell.

But soon after he got home things started to change.

I didn't know what-I still don't fucking know, the distance had just been there.

I'd ignored it at first, choosing to believe that it'd sort itself out but it had only continued to grow, becoming dark and cold, trying to tear us apart and separate us like the earth and the sky.

Then the fighting began.

At first they were small almost like the 'hair' incidents we became famous for back in high school when we'd threaten to shave the others head for no reason aside from we annoyed the fuck out of each other, but then, they'd escalated.

Eventually it got to the point where we were picking fights over the stupidest fucking things possible, only to feel like idiots afterwards-that's right.

I remember why we fought now, why I'd walked away and why I'd forgotten so quickly.

He'd asked me if I still loved him-if I ever even loved him. I couldn't believe he'd ask such a stupid question-I still can't believe it, but I can see his reasons.

I'd seen so many opportunities to close that gap between us but I was just too damn stubborn to be the one to reach out to him and pull him back into my arms like I would have in the beginning of our relationship, opting instead to wait for him to curl against my chest like he used to.

Even now a part of me refuses to be the one to end it, even as I see the reasons why it's like this now, but another wants to go back, to return to him, pull him close and forget this entire thing ever happened, go back to the way we were.

I've tried, I don't know how many times to call him but every time I try my annoyance only escalates and my pride intervenes, making me wonder why I should be the one to end it, why I should be the one to break first, the first to fall.

I can feel my fist clenching as these thoughts race through my skull and finally I make up my mind. I grab my coat off the back of the couch and head for the door, not even pausing to grab my car keys on the way out.

**S2~S2~(Allen)~S2~S2**

My hand hovers over the numbers as I try once again to dial his number. It's been weeks since we last saw each other or even spoken on the phone and I'm starting to wonder if this time it's over. I can't bring myself to regret if it is but if we have ended I don't want it to be like this, with not so much as a real goodbye. Even if we aren't together I still want us to be friends.

I steel my resolve and head for the front door, grabbing my coat on the way, but the instant I open my front door I freeze as my eyes meet deep cobalt and I can see something in their depths that I never thought I'd see; regret.

I take a quick step back in surprise and take in his appearance. His raven hair is tied back in its usual high ponytail, but numerous soft flakes of snow cling to the strands from the light powder that began falling some time ago and the light that filters out the open door glitters off of the small flakes making them look almost like stars on the expanse of night sky his hair so resembles.

He must have walked all the way here, that's the only explanation I can see for how he could be covered in this much snow. I'm stunned for a moment.

I get over my shock quickly though and my reaction is instantaneous.

I smile my most vivid smile, the one he used to say reminded him of the sun's gleam off fresh powder, and wrap my arms around his neck. He tenses for a second before wrapping his arms around my waist and holding me close. He doesn't need to say anything, he's here and that says more than I think even he knows.

I'd thought he'd wait like he had so many times over the last year, wait for me to come to him, wait for me to curl up against his chest with tears-fake tears though I didn't think he knew that-in my eyes and plead for us to just drop it, to go back to the way we were before the fighting began, I thought I'd never see the day he came to me with remorse in his eyes.

I never thought I'd see the day he chose me over his pride.

"One more try?" He whispers into my hair, a guarded hope in his marvelous voice.

I grin feeling happier than I have in a long time and capture his lips in a passionate kiss. He kisses me back and my eyes widen before drifting closed. This kiss is… different than the ones we'd shared the past year and I don't hesitate to lean into it and let him deepen it.

"One more try." I agree in a breathless whisper when he finally pulls back and I'm allowed to breathe again.

He grins and captures my lips once more, but this time the kiss is gentle almost... Hopeful in its intensity and the way his lips move against mine.

I know it won't be easy but, what can I say?

We're both too proud to let '_us'_ go after so long, at least, I think we're proud. Who knows, maybe we're just too stubborn for our own good. That is something we'd both been told.

Either way, I'm willing to try one more time if he is and, this time, I think things will work.

I can feel the tears welling in my eyes and he kisses them away, his list soft against my eyes before he lays one gentle kiss on the star shaped scar that now rests above my left eye, "Not gonna start acting like a girl now, are ya Moyashi? I mean more than usual."

I huff and slap his chest and a soft chuckle rumbles in his throat. I grin up at him after hearing that beautiful sound and pull at his arm, tugging him inside as a shiver runs down my spine at the biting cold that is starting to make itself known through my meager white coat and I know he must be even colder than I am.

He smirks and follows me in.

We start a fire and curl up on the sofa after that, just talking and enjoying the feel of the others embrace before we both drift into a soft slumber, the others warmth all we need to fight off the harsh winter chill that comes with Christmas morn.

I don't care about the day. I've already gotten the best birthday present that I ever could have wished for and I'm safe in his warm embrace.

**S2 S2 S2 S2 S2 **

**A/N: And there it is! Pride/Honor. You gus wanna know something weird? I'm extremely proud and today happens to be my eighteenth birthday. I was cracking up when I realized that this theme was on the twenty-eigth since it just seemed so funny. Not quite sure why but it still has me giggling a bit. And~this is also my first ever post as an eighteen year old. FUN!...Yeah, I know I seem a bit... 'off' today but what do you expect? I'm running on nothing but pepsi so I'm both exausted and hyper. Wait a minute... since when does pepsi get me hyper? GAH! Sorry, I'm rammbling... again. Hehe... anyway, I really am happy with this one. I think it turned out remarkably well although, I'm not so happy with the ending which I think fell a bit short but I guess its okay, just not one of my faves. I'll let you guys be the judge ;)**

**Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed.**


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